My daughter, Autumn, always loved the outdoors. She loved sports and any physical activity. She put her whole energy into everything she did. In a way, you could have called her a tomboy in her younger years, but she still had the same kind of hope and desire that all girls share... to someday be in love, to someday be the most special person to a special someone...

Autumn didn't have an easy childhood. Her father died when she was two. Her stepfather abused her several times. When I found out what was going on, I was furious and heartbroken at what had happened to my daughter. I felt guilty for having been so blind. We left this deeply troubled, manipulative, abusive man, but the damage had already been done. I tried to reach out to Autumn, but nothing I said, or did, seemed to be enough.

When she became a teenager, Autumn struggled. Her dreams were still important to her, but, partly from not receiving the love of a father and partly from a desire to escape her painful memories, she gravitated toward friends who used alcohol and drugs to get a quick rush of immediate relief. She struggled with food and weight problems as well as tobacco, alcohol, and drugs. She also engaged in numerous sexual relationships. I tried to get her to stop, but something inside drove her to look for love in all the wrong places. Autumn wasn't a "bad" kid. She was polite, kind to her four younger brothers, considerate and friendly. But she was terribly confused. She loved her family and we loved her.

She wanted to make us happy, but at the same time she felt a desperate need to fill a void in her life. No matter how often she got drunk or high or how many boyfriends she had, the gnawing emptiness never left her. It could only be replaced temporarily with feelings of euphoria which eventually disappeared as soon as the effects of the alcohol, drugs, or sexual experience wore off.

All of us make mistakes in life. Hopefully, we learn from the consequences and learn to find less destructive or risky ways to find happiness and fulfillment. But, my daughter, Autumn, wouldn't get that chance.

Life went on for Autumn. There were family gatherings and vacations. She finished high school, traveled a little, settled down into a job... had good times and bad. At one point, she thought she might have finally found Mr. Right, a young man named "Alan" whom she fell deeply in love with.

When Autumn was 20 years old, she learned of the death of an old boyfriend. He'd died of AIDS a few months before. Autumn had had sexual relations with him five years earlier when she was 15. I encouraged her to get tested for HIV at that point. The test came back positive. Hoping that it was a false positive, she had a second test done. Positive again.

A feeling of terror and despair gripped my daughter's heart. That night she dreamt that an armed intruder broke into her bedroom, pointed a gun at her face, said, "this is the end of your life," and fired. She woke up in a cold sweat­ yesterday couldn't be changed and tomorrow looked like a death sentence.

Unable to face her HIV infection, Autumn fell into denial. Despite our pleas, she hung out with the same friends, went to the same parties, even continued the intimate relationship she had with her boyfriend "Alan," even though this could put him at risk as well. The only difference was that now she carried a secret that no one else knew.

Soon after, "Alan" and Autumn ended their relationship. Fortunately, it seems that he did not become infected. Autumn became more free to focus on her own spiritual growth and development and was able to forgive all the hurt she had received, and given, in the past. She grew a lot in that year and we became much closer, but eventually the disease caught up with her. At age 23 she began experiencing respiratory problems which developed into pneumonia. For the next two years her health continued to deteriorate.

She tried many healing methods, both conventional and alternative. And while most of her days were marked by pain which at times became excruciating, Autumn did experience some periods of relief. During one of the good times, she took a trip to Hawaii paid for by friends of the family. Autumn was so inspired by the beauty of the islands, she wrote a poem which I will always keep. In her poem she wrote "I release the past in one final bow...I forgive the one who caused me pain; I forgive myself for feeling shame; I have no need for these emotions; I give them freely in my devotion."

Less than two months after she returned from Hawaii, spinal meningitis, which had been kept at bay with strong drugs and medications returned with a vengeance, more consuming than ever before. Autumn's brain was so swelled and inflamed that the pain was unbearable. No medication could combat that level of agony. She experienced seizures and blackouts. Her vision suffered. Sometimes she could hardly see.

She was admitted into the hospital for the fourth and final time. She never believed that she would die. Which 25 year-old wants to imagine her own death? She didn't talk about it, only about getting better and going home. In spite of her constant pain she tried to be bright and cheerful to all of us around her.

Finally, her brain had one seizure too many. Her depleted body could take no more. Her heart and breathing stopped... emergency measures were taken. She was put on life support. Family members were called to the hospital.

Autumn never regained consciousness. She died two days later. She was 25 years old. Her life was full of anguish, some of which she brought on herself, but also full of hope, joy and a desire for love. In the end she made peace with her past. Those of us who knew her will always love her, aware that she is never far away, even now.

Adapted account by her mother,Taffy Brandt,
May 1997
Autumn's Story
Reprinted from Free Teens Newsletter Summer 1997