RQ: Building Relationship Intelligence: Part Two: “Personal Leadership”
Success
in life and relationships is based on leadership of the self. People
who excel because of a particular talent or ability may ultimately fail
because they fail to develop their character and to exercise personal
leadership. In this section we examine the challenge of human freedom
and self leadership.
All
of us have a public self that others see as well as our own private
thoughts and feelings, but we also have a deeper self which could be
called the “core self.”
Many people waste a lot of time and energy worrying about
what others think or say about them. Some even try to control what
others think or say about them, even though this is impossible to do
and wastes a lot of energy!
Example of Nelson Mandela, who spent 26 years in prison for
trying to bring freedom to his people. He was beaten and mistreated by
his jailers, but instead of reacting in anger or with resentment,
Nelson Mandela treated his jailers with respect and concern for their
lives. Why? Because he understood his core value, his core self, that
nothing anyone did or said to him could reduce his core value and that
he himself should do nothing to diminish it either. Because he treated
his jailers with respect, they stopped beating him and began to try to
help him. Use Nelson Mandela, “Public Self/Core Self” and “What’s
pulling your train?”
Activities
Discussion questions
Recommended: Mandela movie
Lesson Five “Luck, Fate or Choice?”
Key Points
Read
story excerpt from Charlotte’s Web. We all desire freedom, but we also
fear the uncertainty it brings. We are tempted to trade our freedom for
more familiar, comfortable things in the same way that Wilbur the pig
traded his freedom for food and the security of having others take care
of him. We are tempted to give up our freedom to “fit in”.
Read
“Winston’s Story” and story of Viktor Frankl. Discuss how both stories
show that in the face of difficulties we may not be able to choose our
circumstances (what happens to us) but we are free to choose our
attitude. Attitudes lead to habits which create your character which
create your destiny. Refer to slide “Free to choose our response”
Discuss examples of Jackie Joyner Kersee and Michael Jordan.
Neither were immediate successes. Both made mistakes, but learned from
their parents, coaches, and teachers. Both persevered. Yet their
success was not just based on athletic ability alone. Use “Just
Athletic Ability?” and “Choosing Your Freedom” slide.
Lesson Seven “Dealing with Anger and other Emotions”
Some
people try to cover their emotions by pretending that “I don’t care” or
“Nothing bothers me”, but aren’t they just hiding from deeper layers of
emotions such as anger, pain, and fear? If they dealt with these
emotions honestly they would find that “below” these emotions are
feelings of relief, pleasure, trust, and love.
We all need to learn how to communicate, how to avoid “dirty fighting”
Good emotional management and self-awareness which include
feeling compassion for ourselves and others can help us to avoid
dangerous risk-taking and self-destructive behaviors. Use “Emotional
Volcano”
Even people who love each other disagree from time to time.
We all need to learn how to accept differences in ideas and how to
assert own our views in a confident, but respectful way. These skills
could be called “Fair Fighting.” They include: 1. Ask permission. 2.
Think about your complaint before you speak. 3. State your complaint.
4. Stop and let the listener restate what you have said. 5. Say what
you want. 6. Stop and let the listener restate your request. 7. Express
appreciation for being heard. 8. Partner’s turn to respond. 9. Come to
an agreement.
